I came up with a plan for the next month or so that makes me really excited. I would explain more of my plan but apparently someone who can’t know about this reads my blog! You know who you are.
I also started listening to this audiobook that a friend gave me and it’s been pretty helpful. It’s pushed me to try to think more positively … and I think the accent is kinda funny haha (:
I’ve sorta started hanging out with one of my new friends here, and one of my old best friends as well. My other best friend still doesn’t really talk to me which is concerning, and I still don’t have enough/ good enough new friends to feel a sense of community here. I know this is my own fault and I’m kinda working on it and it’s getting better so far thankfully. I’m slowly getting back to the point of being wanted here which is really important. Oh and if I really think back to my past, I don’t think I can lose either of my best friends … so I’m really glad. I love them so very much.
I don’t know, for now I’m just feeling better. I really hope it lasts and this ends up being a tipping point (:
If I were gone tomorrow, into the blackest abyss never to return. Would it be a waste? Probably. But could it be worth it? Everything happens for a reason. Everyone around me would grow and prosper from the event. Much like a forest blooming from a fallen tree.
(There aren’t any terribly interesting abysses near by, and I’m not suicidal so don’t worry, random internet people)
I decided that I need to be more assertive and tell people how I actually want to be treated. The ironic thing is that I kinda like being stepped on, but I need to show others my position in life. I need to kindly tell others that I’d prefer different pronouns while I actually start to use them myself (The reason I’ve never done this is because I know I’m not actually what I think, so therefore I think others should be able to address me as they wish). I feel as I need to also begin to tell people the less existential truth. (Ex: Stranger: “Oh I’m sorry, you’re not a girl!”, Me: “No don’t worry I am.”) It feels like a little dishonest, but unless they’re having sex with me I don’t care, and besides they should be able to figure it out.
I’ve always been confused as to what attracts me. I’m fairly certain that there are somethings that I find attractive such as hip bones (therefore midsection, and lower back), but I do have a theory about what makes me actually attracted to someone when I see them in any normal situation (sense normally I don’t really see midsections and backs). I think that most of what I call attraction is actually a form of jealousy. When I see any girl that I would give almost anything to look like, I say that they are cute or hot. I will admit that I feel at least some degree of jealousy whenever I see any girl, but whenever I see one that just looks so perfectly like how I want to be I call it attraction. I don’t normally want to date them or screw them (ya that almost never happens) or anything really, but I do have an uncontrollable desire to be them, or to have that body. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I do know that I am not very sexual at all and it would make sense for me to be less into people than normal. With that this explanation makes sense, and I could have simply been taught that it’s the feel or “attraction”, but I feel as though this is not a normal way to view the world. What do you think?
This is a look inside my head. A look at myself.
In reality this is Susan Coffey, some model I found photo’s of on stumbleupon. It does also serve my purpose of giving you an idea of what goes on in my head a lot of the time. I know this is quite a stereotypical desire and I quite honestly can’t explain it. I really just want to be small and innocent, safely asleep in the arms of someone I love. I want my fair skin ward off pimples, yet keep smooth and soft with a little help. I want to be one of the short people that gets carried around frequently. I want to be comforted with strokes through my hair. I want to be treated as though I could break with the most gentle of rough-housing. I want to have some hips to actually dance with, yet still be yelled at for being too skinny. I want no one to be able to see my strength. I want to be coveted. I want my curves to be visible from across the street. I want my voice to sing softly every time I speak. I want no one to question my gender no matter what I wear, and especially if I’m not wearing anything. I don’t want to be “inside” anyone, I want someone inside me, but only once and please plastic not meat (haha). I want to be able to wear tight clothes and not look gross. I just want to be who I’ve always been but have never been able to be.
This is a quick post, simply to say that I am sorry to who ever has seen my latest post before it was taken down. It was very, depressing, uninspiring, and I doubt any of you followed my blog to hear about all my moods. I would like to state that even if I were able, I probably couldn’t slip into a coma, or anything like that mostly because I feel it would be a very rude action against those I care about. So in the end just don’t worry. I was simply overwhelmed by the stress of college, work, location, money, desiring change, having a roommate, making new friends, worrying about losing old ones, particularly my best friend ever and being replaced by another good friend (supposedly not happening), having someone I hardly know want to go on a date, issues with my major, getting a job, and waiting even longer for something I desire so very much. In short I had a bad day and I apologize.
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